The presence of children in a family can serve as a powerful deterrent to filing for divorce. Parents often worry that the decision to end marriage might cause significant harm to their kids. The way that they approach the issue can have a major impact on how challenging the upcoming divorce is for their children.
From how the family handles shared custody arrangements to how the parents tell the children about the divorce, there are many opportunities to mitigate the harmful impact of a divorce. How can parents bring up the topic of divorce with their children while minimizing the harm that this discussion could inspire?
Presenting a united front
The best manner in which to discuss an upcoming divorce with dependent children is to have a conversation with the whole family present if at all possible. Parents can discuss ahead of time how to explain the choice in an appropriate way and how to answer likely questions.
A family discussion allows the parents to provide age-appropriate information to the children. Younger children, for example, may need to hear a very brief explanation of what divorce is and what shared custody may look like for the family. Older children, including teenagers, may have more questions. They may worry about the financial implications of the divorce as they prepare for college, for example.
Children of all ages generally need their parents to advise them that the divorce has nothing to do with them so that they don’t develop a sense of guilt or shame related to the divorce. Staying calm and handling the issue as a family is often the best approach.
Discussing the issue as early as possible
Many children know that a divorce is likely on the horizon long before their parents disclose their marital issues. They can sense the tensions in the family home and may have some secondhand experience related to divorce through their friends or extended family.
Children may experience high levels of stress if they don’t hear directly from their parents about the changes in the family situation before they come to a realization on their own. It is usually beneficial to talk with the children as soon as possible so that gossip or worries don’t affect their mental health or school performance.
Avoiding overt conflict
When talking about the divorce, parents should avoid placing blame or talking negatively about each other. The more parents shield their children from the tension and conflict of their divorce, the easier it may be for the children to heal. It is easier for children to adjust to the new situation if they see their parents as a cooperative unit who intend to work together to raise them.
Parents can often achieve amicable divorces if they make a concerted effort to cooperate with each other. Working together to co-parent can begin with telling the children about this upcoming family change in informed and compassionate ways.